Alright, folks, settle in because “The Rings of Power” is back, and this time, it’s bolder, longer, and somehow even more drawn out than ever before. Amazon dropped the first three episodes of Season 2, and it seems like they’ve taken the show’s title quite literally. Spoiler alert: The only power being wielded here is the power to put you right to sleep. Let’s dive into the not-so-fantastical world of Middle-earth – or should I say, Middle-of-the-road-earth?

Episode 1: “We’re Still Doing This?”

The season kicks off with Episode 1, which might as well be subtitled “We’re Still Doing This?” because it sure feels like the writers took a few too many detours from the plot. We’re greeted with sweeping shots of landscapes that are – and I can’t stress this enough – not New Zealand. But hey, why use the original’s gorgeous locations when you can just slap on some digital filters and hope no one notices? Oh, but we noticed.

The episode’s first act is all about reuniting us with our beloved (?) characters. Galadriel is back, and she’s still as intense as ever, which is great, except now her intensity has been upgraded to a kind of emotional constipation that makes you wonder if she’s ever had a single moment of joy in her immortal life. She’s still obsessed with hunting Sauron like he owes her money, which, given her expression, might actually be the case.

Then there’s Elrond, who’s apparently taken on the role of Middle-earth’s most reluctant diplomat. His scenes are brimming with riveting discussions on elven bureaucracy, complete with intense debates over mining rights. Thrilling, I know. If you’re into property law and parliamentary procedures, you’re in for a treat. If not, buckle up; it’s going to be a long ride.

Episode 2: “We Found a Plotline, Sort of”

Episode 2 tries – and I use that word generously – to ramp up the tension. There are some vague threats, cryptic prophecies, and murmurings of war, but they’re delivered with all the urgency of someone reading the back of a cereal box. The show’s big selling point – its “epic” scope – is once again on display, but instead of using it to tell a compelling story, we get more slow pans across fields, forests, and rivers. It’s like someone found Peter Jackson’s old “B-roll” footage and decided, “Yeah, that’ll do.”

Oh, and let’s not forget the subplot with the Harfoots. Yes, those hobbit-lite creatures are back, and they’re just as whimsical as ever. They embark on a grand journey to… find a new campsite. That’s right, folks, three episodes in, and the biggest crisis they’ve faced is finding a place to pitch their tents. It’s like watching a bunch of garden gnomes on a camping trip – adorable, but not exactly riveting television.

Episode 3: “Can We Get to the Point Already?”

By Episode 3, you’d think the show would finally start delivering on some of the promises of epic storytelling and high stakes that the first season dangled in front of us like a shiny carrot. Instead, we get yet another round of character introductions and world-building that feels less like an expansion of Tolkien’s universe and more like a never-ending PowerPoint presentation at a corporate retreat.

There’s some intrigue involving the men of Númenor, who are so bland and forgettable you might mistake them for extras in a medieval-themed insurance commercial. The political drama is there, sure, but it’s about as gripping as an office squabble over who forgot to refill the coffee machine. Are we supposed to care about who’s vying for power in this made-up kingdom when they all have the charisma of slightly damp toast? Apparently, yes.

But wait, there’s more! The dark forces are stirring in the East – and by “stirring,” I mean there’s a lot of people standing around in hooded robes whispering ominous things. The show teases a confrontation with Sauron (again), but at this rate, he’ll probably show up around Episode 9, just in time to deliver a monologue about his complex feelings on urban development in Mordor.

Conclusion: Epic or Epically Dull?

So, where does that leave us after three episodes? Still waiting. Waiting for the plot to kick in, waiting for something – anything – to happen that justifies the show’s gargantuan budget and relentless marketing campaign. Instead, we get a glacial pace, a series of endless expositional dialogues, and a handful of characters who, quite frankly, could use a few more lessons in the art of being interesting.

If you’re looking for an epic tale of adventure, intrigue, and world-ending stakes, you might want to look elsewhere. But if you have an undying love for scenic vistas, endless character brooding, and the thrill of watching characters walk – yes, just walk – then “The Rings of Power” Season 2 is tailor-made for you.

Until then, here’s to hoping that by Episode 4, we get at least one plot point that doesn’t feel like a rejected scene from “Downton Abbey: Middle-earth Edition.”

In the meantime, I’ll be over here with a cup of coffee – because, trust me, you’ll need one to get through this.