Ah, Hollywood. The land of glitter, dreams, and, apparently, a deep-seated desire to ruin every video game franchise we hold dear. The latest victim in this relentless assault on our nerdy nostalgia? None other than the beloved, chaotic, loot-filled world of Borderlands. Yes, folks, they’ve made a Borderlands movie, and it’s exactly what you feared it would be: a flaming dumpster fire rolling downhill at full speed.

Now, before we dive into the cinematic wasteland that is this movie, let’s take a moment to appreciate just how impossible it should have been to mess this up. I mean, we’re talking about Borderlands—a game so drenched in character, humor, and style that it practically writes itself. A universe filled with eccentric personalities, guns that shoot other guns, and more one-liners than you can shake a Claptrap at. The recipe for success was right there, just begging for someone with a basic understanding of the source material to stir the pot.

But no. Instead, we got… whatever this is.

The Casting Choices: Bold or Blind?

Let’s start with the casting, shall we? It’s as if the producers spun a wheel labeled “Random Celebrities” and just went with whoever’s name it landed on. Kevin Hart as Roland? Really? The same Roland who’s a stoic, battle-hardened leader? Sure, Kevin’s funny—no one’s denying that—but seeing him try to play a serious role is like watching a chihuahua attempt to be a guard dog. Cute, but not convincing.

Then there’s Cate Blanchett as Lilith. Don’t get me wrong, Cate is a phenomenal actress—probably one of the best of her generation. But Lilith? The Siren with a sharp tongue and a fiery temper? It’s a bit like hiring Gordon Ramsay to bake cookies at a children’s party. It just doesn’t fit.

And don’t even get me started on Claptrap. They somehow managed to make a character who’s supposed to be annoying in a charming, lovable way just… annoying. It’s like they took all the grating parts of Claptrap’s personality and cranked them up to eleven, forgetting that he was supposed to have some redeeming qualities.

The Plot: Or Lack Thereof

Moving on to the plot—if you can call it that. The movie loosely (and I mean loosely) follows the story of the first game. You know, that epic quest to find the Vault, a mythical stash of alien technology that could give its finder unimaginable power? Yeah, that’s all there… kind of. But instead of the thrilling, action-packed adventure we experienced in the game, we get a haphazardly thrown together series of events that seem to exist solely to move the characters from one CGI explosion to the next.

It’s as if the writers took the original story, threw it in a blender, and then spilled it on the floor. There’s no coherence, no sense of pacing, and no reason to care about what’s happening. The Vault, which was this huge, mysterious thing in the game, is reduced to a McGuffin that the characters occasionally remember they’re supposed to be looking for.

The Humor: Where Did It Go?

And then there’s the humor. Oh, the humor. Borderlands is known for its irreverent, offbeat sense of comedy—something that’s as much a part of the franchise as the cel-shaded graphics and loot explosions. So, naturally, you’d expect the movie to be bursting with laughs, right? Wrong.

It’s like the screenwriters watched a single Borderlands cutscene, jotted down a few lines they thought were funny, and then proceeded to write the most uninspired, flat jokes imaginable. There are moments where you can almost hear the crickets chirping in the theater as another gag falls flat on its face. They somehow managed to take the absurdity and wit of the games and translate it into a humorless slog that makes The Emoji Movie look like a comedy masterpiece.

The Visuals: Pretty Pictures Can’t Save You

Alright, I’ll give credit where credit’s due—the movie looks like Borderlands. The visual style, the neon-soaked landscapes, the over-the-top character designs—they nailed that part. But here’s the thing: pretty pictures don’t make a good movie. Sure, it’s nice to see Pandora brought to life with all the gritty, comic book flair we expected, but when everything else is falling apart around it, the visuals are like putting lipstick on a pig. It might look nice, but it’s still a pig.

The Verdict: Stay Away

In the end, the Borderlands movie is a perfect example of what happens when Hollywood tries to cash in on a beloved franchise without understanding what made it special in the first place. It’s a soulless, uninspired mess that fails to capture the spirit of the games in every conceivable way.

So, if you’re a fan of the Borderlands series, do yourself a favor: skip this movie. Instead, fire up one of the games, grab a Mountain Dew, and remind yourself why you fell in love with this chaotic universe in the first place. Because trust me, whatever’s on your screen will be infinitely more enjoyable than this two-hour train wreck.